Can't
by randomramblingsofme
Summary: If Melinda accepted David's invitation. I finally decided to continue it :) Increased rating because of more mature subjects, but nothing explicit
1. Chapter 1

"Please?" David asks. The two Melindas in my head fight over what to say as we continue walking. _It's just pizza. _**That's what he says, anyways. **_His parents will be there. _**How do you know that? **_Stop being so paranoid. _**Paranoid keeps us safe. **_We're going to turn into one of those old ladies with a thousand cats who calls the cops when kids cut through her backyard._

"Mel?" I realize that I've been silent for a while now.

"Sure," I stammer before I even know what I'm saying. David grins.

"The others will probably get there a few minutes after we do. Danny said maybe, and Emma said for sure, Jon said he was busy… sorry, I'm kind of babbling." Like I have anything to fill the silence with. "I'm just really excited. I don't have a lot of people over at my house very often."

Oh boy.

David's house is cozy. It's the one word that comes to mind when I step over the threshold and he shows me where to kick my shoes off. The phone starts ringing, and he goes to answer it. I take off my coat.

There's something odd about walking over carpet at someone else's house in your socks. It's kind of comforting. I like the carpet at David's house.

When he comes back he looks sort of downcast. "Um… Emma cancelled. She said she's busy after all. But that okay, there's still-"

The phone rings again. He gives an apologetic smile and goes to answer it. I wait for him there, wondering why I can't hear anyone else. As soon as I hear him hang up, I ask David, "Where are your parents?"

He shifts uncomfortably. I get a sinking feeling. He looks guilty. Was he lying? He hands me a folded up note. "They…" he sighs. "Left. Ten minutes ago. They promised they'd be here, but they don't hold up promises very well."

The note is written in such loopy cursive it makes my head hurt. David notices the way I'm squinting, and shrugs. "That's my mom's handwriting."

I hand it back to him. He nervously rubs the back of his neck. "If you… don't want to hang out anymore, I'll walk you home. The turnout… it's just you and me."

For a second, one of the Melindas starts screaming about how he lied and it was probably his plan all along, but David looked so downcast, she quieted. He wouldn't do a thing like that, would he?

And he hadn't tried anything yet.

**That doesn't mean he won't later.**

_Shut up. We can't hurt his feelings by leaving._

**Who cares about his feelings?**

_He also promised pizza._

As if he read my mind, David shrugs and says, "There's still the ten dollars for pizza, if you'd like." He has that look on his face again. The anxious smile.

"Daaaaaaaaaaaviiiiiiiiid!" Someone calls from the top of the stairs. I look up and see a young girl, lots of barrettes in her hair and wearing round glasses. She scowls down at us. "You're four minutes late."

"Well, I'm _sorry," _David answers back, and I can hear him biting back a sassy response.

"Is she it? Or is anyone else coming?"

"Mel's the only one," David admits.

"I'm sorry you have to hang out with my brother by yourself," David's sister says. "When the pizza comes, I want a piece, and then I'll leave you and your crush alone to do whatever it is you have planned." She adds a little eyebrow waggle that makes me nervous. David has turned red.

"Dani, I swear…" He starts up the stairs towards her and she runs off to her room, giggling madly. "I am so sorry about her," David tries to pretend like nothing happened, but he can't stop blushing. "Um- what kind? Of pizza, I mean? You can choose."

"Pepperoni and mushrooms?" The second sentence I've spoken since stepping foot into here. I'm going to break a record. He tells me to make myself at home, and goes back to the kitchen to make the phone call.

I let David answer the door when the delivery guy arrives. Dani is downstairs in a flash to steal a slice, and tease her brother some more. David is as uncomfortable with it as I am, and Dani derives sadistic pleasure from it. We both breathe a sigh of relief when she leaves for her room.

Some girls are self conscious about the way they eat in front of boys, but I could honestly care less. I'm inhaling it like I normally do. David gets up to go to the kitchen again, and I lean back into the couch. Food makes everything more comfortable. If I close my eyes, I could actually be in my house instead.

"Do you like Pepsi?"

I open my eyes and sit straighter. I nod. David hands me one. It opens with a satisfying crack of aluminum. We surf channels until we find something good. It's a Disney movie I haven't watched in forever.

I can't really concentrate on it though. My mind keeps wandering to August, _beer and seniors and music_. I chew on my bottom lip. Everytime I look over at David, in his blue sweater, dorky braces, friendly smile, I keep comparing him to the people from the party, _thinthinthin, big lips, big earrings, white smiles,_ trying to find any similarities. It's dim in the living room. It was dark in the woods.

At some point in time, after we've both finished eating and have been sitting together in silence, David's arm ends up across the back of the couch. Around me. He's closer now. If I turn my head a little to the side, I can smell him. It's a little citrusy. A little smoky. Someone was burning leaves outside while we were walking. The scent stuck to him. It reminds me of autumn. I remember IT. _Cologne and beer_. My stomach turns over.

"David?" His name escapes in a sort of question.

"Yeah, Mel?" He turns towards me, a shy smile on his face. The words get stuck in my throat, and I can't tell him. I can't tell him anything. I'm just looking into his eyes, which are brown flecked with gold. I've never noticed that before.

"What is it?" he asks again. His head is tipped towards mine. There are small, almost unnoticeable freckles dotting his nose and cheeks. I don't know what to say.

_I laid my cheek on his chest. He wrapped one arm around my back. His other hand slid down to my butt. I thought that was a little rude, but my tongue was thick with beer and I couldn't figure out how to tell him to slow down._

David's fingers brush a few strands of hair behind my ear.

_He kissed me, man kiss, hard sweet and deep. Nearly knocked me off my feet, that kiss._

David's lips meet mine and his eyes close. It's warm and soft. My head is spinning. His hand cups the side of my face ever so gently.

_We were on the ground. When did that happen? "No." No I did not like this. I was on the ground and he was on top of me. My lips mumble something about leaving, about a friend who needs me, about my parents worrying. I can hear myself—I'm mumbling like a deranged drunk. His lips lock on mine and I can't say anything. I twist my head away. He is so heavy. There is a boulder on me._

David kisses me again. He runs his thumb slowly across my cheekbone. There's warmth spreading in my chest, but at the same time, a fist is crushing my lungs. I can't think, I'm afraid to even breathe.

_I open my mouth to breathe, to scream, and his hand covers it. In my head, my voice is as clear as a bell: "NO I DON'T WANT TO!" But I can't spit it out. I'm trying to remember how we got on the ground and where the moon went and wham! shirt up, shorts down, and the ground smells wet and dark and NO!—I'm not really here, I'm definitely back at Rachel's, crimping my hair and gluing on fake nails, and he smells like beer and mean and he hurts me hurts me hurts me-_

My hand is planted on David's chest and I push him backwards. Our lips come apart and he lowers his hand. I can feel his heartbeat under my hand. His heart is beating fast, in sync with mine. I scoot backwards. David's expression changes.

"Mel?"

"Stop." My voice is hoarse. My heart is in my throat, and it stops me from getting another word out.

_A scream—the cops were coming! Blue and cherry lights flashing in the kitchen-sink window. Rachel's face—so angry—in mine. Someone slapped me. I crawled out of the room through a forest of legs._

Tears are pooling in my eyes. David's expression turns worried. "Mel, I-"

I shake my head. He reaches for my hand, the one still resting on his chest, but I pull out of his grasp. "Mel, I'm sorry, did I- do something wrong?" He looked so guilty.

_He gets up_

_and zips his jeans_

_and smiles._

I get up, leaving behind a stunned David, and leave to put on my shoes. My hands are shaking "Wait- Mel, what's wrong? I'm sorry, you don't have to leave yet."

I bite down on my bottom lip to keep it from trembling. I'm trying to pull on my jacket, but I'm shaking too badly. David reaches out to help. I take a step back. Frustrated, I ball up my jacket and hug it to my chest. Reaching for the doorknob…

David's hand is on my shoulder. "Hey, I can walk back with you if you want me to. It's dark out." I try taking a few deep breaths, but all that does is make me start crying. Now David's eyes are watering.

"Mel, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

I bury my face in my jacket. "I'm fine," I mutter. "I'll go alone."

Out the door, into the dark. Down the street. Back home. The moon is huge, bigger than it was in August, when everything went down.

Rachel got us to the end-of-summer party, a cheerleader party, with beer and seniors and music. She blackmailed her brother, Jimmy, to drive us. We were all sleeping over at Rachel's house. Her mother thought Jimmy was taking us roller skating. It was at a farm a couple of miles from our development. The kegs were in the barn where the speakers were set up. Most people hung at the edge of the lights. They looked like models in a blue-jeans ad. I felt like such a little kid.

I haven't felt the same. I'll never be the same.

I know David isn't a predator like that. At least, I think he isn't. Am I sure that he wouldn't push it further since his parents weren't home? His sister was right upstairs though.

He was my only friend. Now what does he think of me? He didn't even know what he was apologizing for. He'll think I'm weird like everyone else does. Would he tell anyone else about this? I chew on my lip, worrying, all the way home. It starts bleeding. I start crying again.

When I get home, I curl up in bed. David and Andy and August's party and school on Monday are running around in circles in my head. Melinda one and two are fighting again. The bunnies tell me I'm better off without David. I don't need him, he wouldn't understand. I try to ignore them all and cry myself to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

I manage to avoid talking to David partly by avoiding eye contact, and sometimes just by skipping classes that I have with him. I'm pissing Mr. Neck off by skipping Social Studies.

It's when we're in Science, during a lecture. He takes out his notebook and starts to write. Then he slides it over to me.

_Can we talk about that night?_

I slide it back to him. He bites his lip.

_I just want to know what made you upset. _

He adds that and slides it towards me again. I push it back.

David sighs softly, and begins to write again.

_I'm sorry if I overstepped any boundaries that night. I won't do it again. And it's okay if you don't like me back the way I like you. Just tell me, okay?_

I pick up a pencil. Then I write back.

_I don't know how I feel._

_Are you mad at me?_

The bell rings, and I get out of there as fast as I can.

* * *

The cafeteria is too loud. I'm stuck sitting with those girls again. I stick to my corner of table at the end, and they ignore me. I forgot my lunch at home, so there's nothing to do. My mouth feels dry. They're talking about Andy again.

"Excuse me, pardon me."

The girl who was sitting next to me scoots over to make room for David. He sits down and offers her a small smile. "Thanks." Then he turns to me. "Hi, Mel."

I glance up at him, then back down at the table.

"I won't stay long if you don't want me to, but I brought you something to eat since it looks like you forgot." He slides a pop tart and a small water bottle over to me. The items sit between us.

**Is he trying to win our trust with food? Again?**

_I don't know. It might be working._

I unwrap the pop tart and take a bite. He seems to relax a little. I look at him, waiting for him to tell me what he wants.

"So... can I stay? For today?"

I nod.

"Can we talk about it? I'm sorry if this is annoying, I just- I'm worried."

I sigh. My throat feels too tight to respond. He waits. I wait for him to go on. He doesn't.

**What does he expect from us?**

_I don't know. Maybe he's giving us time to respond._

**No one does that anymore. No one just waits.**

_He is. Right now._

"I don't know." My throat hurts more, but I've said something.

"It's okay not to know," David said. "And I should have asked. I'm sorry."

"I- liked it? I think." I didn't mean to say that. It kind of just... came out. But it's true. I liked it for a while.

David looks like he's about to say something else, but then I feel someone behind me and the air in my lungs freezes. There's a hand playing with my ponytail again. I can hear his voice but I don't know what he's saying and I smell him again and I feel leaves crumbly leaves everywhere under me I'm going to throw up-

I run away again. That's all I can do.

* * *

The last thing I ever expected was for someone to come check on me in the bathroom.

"Mel, are you okay in there?" It's Ivy. Her shoes are red, and her socks are yellow, which reminds me of her clowns that she's been drawing.

"Mel?"

I can't respond. I don't trust my voice. I try to wipe the tears away but they come back faster and faster and faster.

"David told me what happened. We need to know if you're okay."

...

"Was he bothering you?"

...

"You're in here, right?"

I take one last breath, then come out of the stall and over to the sink. I turn on the hot water, and it comes out freezing cold. I splash some on my face. I feel Ivy pull back my hair so it doesn't get wet. I don't look at myself in the mirror. I know I probably look like a mess. Raw lips, red eyes, empty.

"We're worried about you. Me and Nicole. You've been acting different. It's like you don't care about anything anymore."

...

"You do care? Don't you? I mean..."

She's having trouble finding words.

"Is something wrong? You've been so quiet."

There's a whirlwind sensation in my brain. I want to say it. I want to scream it. My throat aches. I want to cry, but something won't let me. I want to hide, I want to die.

"I called the police." Nothing else will come out. Because. Because...

"I know. I don't understand why you did it, but just know that I'm not mad anymore. I couldn't stay mad at you forever."

She forgives me? Do I want to be forgiven? Do I need to be forgiven? I don't know. I don't know.

"I was- I-"

"We could have just left if you told us you were uncomfortable." Ivy grabs my hands. I pull away.

"It hurt." I sound so stupid. Why won't sentences come out? Why can't I just explain it? Where do I start?

"What hurt, Mel? Did something happen?"

"We were under the trees. I didn't want him to. I tried to tell him." My voice gets softer and softer.

"Who?" Ivy's voice is softer now too.

Will she get mad at me? What if she doesn't believe it, what if she walks away, what if-

"Andy."

"He hurt you? Like..."

The word is right on the tips of our tongues, but we can't bring ourselves to say it. I meet her gaze, finally. She knows. Her eyes fill with tears, and I'm pulled into a tight hug.

"I'm so sorry Mel, I'm sorry..."

I needed this. I didn't know it, but I _needed_ this. I hug her back, desperately hoping this won't end soon.

"And- and David-" I stammer. "When he- I don't know. I couldn't forget, and so I panicked." Now that the words started they won't stop. "He probably thinks I'm weird. But I just couldn't- I wanted to, but not like that. Not- not all the way."

"I understand. I think. As much as I can," Ivy pulls back a little to look at me. "Come on. We're going to the counselor."

"No. I can't."

"You need to. Do you know what could have happened?" Tears are flowing down her face now. Her makeup is smudged. "Mel, you could have been pregnant. He could have given you something."

That hadn't occurred to me. Dread squeezes my chest and it gets a little harder to breathe. I haven't felt anything different. I'm not pregnant. I can't be, or I'd know. I'd be showing. But what about... what were the symptoms? There were so many different... I remember vaguely, during middle school, that chapter in Health-

WIthout knowing it, I make a high pitched whine in the back of my throat.

"I'll be right here with you, let's go," Ivy takes my hand. I don't pull away this time.

* * *

Andy Evans is pulled out of class, held by the scruff of his neck like a puppy. Mr. Neck marches him down to the principal's office, and I'm sitting between Ivy and David on the bench in the counselor's office, feeling numb.

The claws that had been digging into my lungs for months now are gone, but the wounds are still bleeding.


	3. Chapter 3

Rachel stays with me in the doctor's office while Mom and Dad are in the waiting room, sitting at opposite ends. Their fighting has come to a standstill while I deal with my issues, and they've been kind and understanding towards me, but there's a chilly silence between them now. It's unnerving. I almost prefer the yelling.

Rachel and I haven't talked about it much. I heard her screaming at Andy out in the hallway that day. They've broken up. She asked me what she could do to help. I needed someone here for me for the appointment. Ivy looked up the address for a clinic that specializes in women's health. She couldn't come, though. Nicole had a game today, but she called early this morning to wish me luck and try to boost my confidence.

David could not come for obvious reasons. He seems nervous about this whole thing, but he told me he's going to talk to his lawyer and ask a few questions. I don't even want to think about the legal side of things. It makes me anxious.

The doctor enters the room. She has a bright smile and warm, dark eyes. Her hijab as green with gold patterns; it makes me think of sun filtering through leaves. She carries a clipboard.

"You are Melinda, correct? Melinda Sordino?"

I clear my throat, and summon a response. "Yes."

"I'm Doctor Millar. So what are you here for?" she asks gently.

"Um..." The silence stretches on.

"I can tell her if you want," Rachel says.

"I- need to be tested."

"Tested for what?" It feels like Doctor Millar has unlimited patience. She doesn't say a word as I fidget.

"For... for infections?"

"STDs?"

I nod. Tears sting the corners of my eyes. Doctor Millar reaches out and puts a hand on my knee.

"There is no need to be ashamed. I'll need you to answer a few questions, and please be honest." She looks at the clipboard. "Have you noticed any symptoms?"

I shake my head.

"How many people have you engaged in intercourse with?"

"Just one," I mumble. Despite my best efforts, a few tears fall. Rachel grabs me a tissue. Doctor Millar looks concerned.

"Did you use protection?"

"He didn't care."

"One more question. What kind was it? Oral, an-"

"The regular kind," I answer quickly. My face is burning.

"Thank you," Doctor Millar checks a few boxes, then sets down her pen. "So, we're testing for everything, just in case?"

I nod again.

"Alright. Wait here, and I'll be back in a quick second."

I have to pee in a cup. It takes some awkward maneuvering, but I get it done. Then Doctor Millar swabs the inside of my mouth. She takes two separate blood samples. I look away from the needles and bite my tongue.

"I'm going to need you to lay back now," Doctor Millar puts on a new pair of gloves. I freeze.

"Isn't there another way?"

"I'm afraid there are no alternatives for this one. I'll be very quick, and it won't hurt a bit."

Rachel takes my hand. "You'll be okay, I promise."

I lay back. My pants and underwear are tugged down a bit. Rachel is facing the wall, not looking, and Doctor Millar has probably seen too many to count, but my skin is still crawling and my neck is warm and I feel like I might cry again.

I squeeze Rachel's hand.

She squeezes back.

Doctor Millar puts the swab in a little tube and I pull my pants back up. It's over. I get to pick a piece of candy from a basket like I'm ten years old again. It stains my tongue purple.

* * *

I get the results four days later. Mom has to read them to me because I'm too nervous to look.

I'm so relieved that I almost cry.

I spend the rest of the day curled up with my bunnies. They are very quiet today.


End file.
